I am writing this at 2:30am at my computer at home on March 19th, 2022. I’m currently feeling depressed, anxious, and overwhelmed. The song I’m listening to as I’m writing this is Ivy by Frank Ocean. I hate that within the confines of my heart I feel overwhelmed. I think the second definition of confine is how I feel about my emotions most of the time. “To shut or keep in, especially to imprison.” I feel like I have such a weird relationship with my friends because I need constant validation and praise from them to really make sure that they don’t hate me. I overthink everything that I’m doing because I feel as if I’m not good enough. These emotions I feel are real yes, but I wish they didn’t exist in the first place. I wish I had a normal childhood to prevent these insane neurodivergent thoughts and emotions from ever developing and causing me such great pain in the present. I wish I had not gotten bullied for my race so I could feel PROUD to be Asian American. I wish I had not gotten bullied for being “loud” in high school so I could be as boisterous as I wanted and be myself. But for now, I’m depressed and anxious almost everyday. For now, I’m oftentimes disgusted that I’m Asian; disgusted that I was ever born in the first place as an Asian. For now, I hold back so frequently that people think I’m sad when I’m really just overthinking about how loud I’m being. People say “oh why are you so quiet? Do you hate me? Are you sad? What’s wrong?” Nothing’s wrong, I’m just considering not talking in the moment so I don’t get bullied into shutting up again. Nothing’s wrong, I’m just overthinking because of my imposter syndrome. I’m just overthinking because I’m not sure that my friends are my friends. I’m just overthinking because I have no idea how much longer my dad has on this earth. I’m just overthinking because I have no idea how much longer my last grandparent has on this earth. I keep telling her that I’m busy and that I’m at work whenever she asks when I’m going to visit. In reality, I don’t want to see her in the state that she is in. My mom told me the other day that she’s eating so slow. I don’t want to face the reality that she could pass at any second. I’m just overthinking because I have no idea how well living away from my parents is going to be. I have no idea how smooth the move is going to be. I have no idea whether or not I’ll like my part time job that I’m going to be getting over there. I’m have no idea whether or not I’m going to ACTUALLY get along with my roommate. I have no idea if I’ll even have enough money to pay my rent every month. I have no idea on the safety of my apartment and the location that I’m going to be in. I think these confines that I give my emotions become extremely toxic because it bottles up until it overflows over my emotional walls that I have at all times. Those emotional walls that have been developing since the day I was born. Those emotional walls that developed after my dad beat me so badly when I was 8 that my underwear stuck to my thighs because I was bleeding. Those emotional walls that developed after my mom got out of the car and started walking away from my family as my dad is calling “Please come back. We’re waiting on you to come home.” “Please come back, Josiah will be good this time.” Those emotional walls that developed because I literally had ZERO self esteem growing up. Those emotional walls that only grew taller as I got rejected from my first crush in 6th grade. Those emotional walls that only grew taller as I went through my first 3 years never being in a relationship. Those emotional walls that continued to climb as I had my first 4 anxiety attacks back-to-back-to-back-to-back with one happening everyday. As I sat alone in the cafeteria, shaking, I wondered “when will it get better”. To THIS DAY I still wonder when it gets better for me. I am thankful for a lot of things however. I’m thankful for my parents who have always been there for me and supported be through 4 long grueling years of college. Yes, they’re not perfect, but who is? Yes, they can be overbearing at times, but who isn’t? I’m thankful for the select few people that I can safely call my ride-or-die friends. You know who you are :). You all have been through my greatest moments in life and have also been through the darkest times of my life as well. I’m thankful for my ability to let out my anger/depression somewhere which is the gym. I’m thankful that work is so fulfilling with me making so many friends this year and for learning a vital skill that is conflict resolution. I’m thankful I’m still alive; I could’ve ended it in 2018 and I wouldn’t have been here to see that it really does get better. I’m not writing this so people can feel bad for me or that they can pity me. I’m writing this so I can further understand my emotions better. I’m writing this so I can have a place to go back to when it actually does get better. I’m writing this so I can sleep better tonight. I’m writing this for myself…